


Now Recruiting

by Guardian



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), ワンパンマン | One-Punch Man
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Fluff, Gen, unbetad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 08:10:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6321739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guardian/pseuds/Guardian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers and Tony Stark arrive in City Z to try to recruit a new hero into the Avengers. Things don’t go to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now Recruiting

“Is this the right place?” Steve questioned, carefully picking his way across uneven ground. 

His comm piece crackled to life in his ear, and Tony's voice came over the line. _“Hero association said City Z. This is the place.”_

At some point, this might have been a pretty nice neighborhood, but it clearly wasn't anymore. There were buildings with massive damage, destroyed street signs, and the concrete streets had been broken and upheaved almost as if something had burst from underneath the ground. If Steve Rogers were any other soldier, that thought might have never crossed his mind, or it might have at least seemed strange to him, but after all the things he’d seen, during the attack on New York and long afterward, nothing seemed strange.

Well, actually, one thing did strike him as unnervingly strange, and that was how silent everything was.

“Reports said that this area has been full of activity from hostile beings,” Steve said. “But it seems abandoned to me.”

_“You're the only guy I know who complains about not finding a fight.”_

“I just find it unsettling.”

_“Actually it supports Natasha’s theory. The Hero Association confirmed that the ‘S-Class’ hero ‘Demon Cyborg’ and ‘B-Class’ hero ‘Caped Baldy’ are the only ones who live out here. If Nat’s right then it only makes sense that this place would be a ghost town despite the high frequency of monsters.”_

“Yeah, and that's why everything is wrecked,” Steve said. “Is his name really Caped _Baldy_?”

 _“Maybe it doesn't translate well,”_ Tony suggested, laughing. _“Or maybe they're really literal.”_

“You've seen the picture. We’re looking for a bald guy who wears a cape,” Steve deadpanned.

_“I did see the picture. It's not a good one, but Natasha thinks his power levels are over 9000.”_

Steve heard Tony coming around overhead again, and looked up in time to see his teammate zip through the air, showing off his aerial skills with a lazy barrel roll.

“Do you think he could really be as strong as she thinks?”

 _“I tend not to believe anything until I see it, and test it, and scientifically quantify it,”_ Tony replied. _“But I trust Natasha. If she thinks it's worth checking out, it's worth checking out. Hey. There's someone on the street to your left. Looks civilian.”_

“Copy that.”

Steve ran ahead, slowing only as he turned onto the street. He was prepared for just about anything - he'd been warned that weird things happened in this city - but relaxed fractionally when he saw what looked like an ordinary guy. The man was wearing sandals, tan shorts, and a red shirt with a busy, colorful pattern, and his hands were full of grocery bags. 

He was also bald. 

Steve didn't want to jump to conclusions right away, but how many young bald guys could be expected to hang around in this kind of neighborhood? But when the guy looked at him, there was no mistaking that bland face.

“I think I found him,” Steve said.

 _“Ten-four good buddy.”_ Steve rolled his eyes. _“Heading to your locale.”_

“Oh,” Saitama said in surprise when he saw Steve standing there. He looked the man up and down, taking in his vibrant blue costume. “Are you a hero?”

Steve stared at him. “Um… Hey. Sorry. One second,” he said, holding up his finger and inwardly hoping he hadn't just flipped the guy off in his culture. He touched the ear piece, turning away as he spoke. “Stark? Can you get in here? I don't speak Japanese.”

“Lucky for you, I do!” Tony crowed as he suddenly came in for a landing, rushing towards the ground and then abruptly turning before impact and using his thrusters to slow himself before dropping to his feet with a solid thud. “Or at least, my handy dandy translator does. JARVIS, activate the translator, pour favor, merci.”

_[Yes, sir. Translating, English to Japanese]_

“Testing, one, two, three, hello,” Tony said, and Saitama’s eyes flickered in recognition before settling back to bored and slightly confused. “My name is Tony Stark and this is my old - and I do mean _old_ \- pal Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America. You may better know me as Sexiest Man Alive, or as the owner of Stark Industries, or as the also _somewhat_ popular, Iron Man.”

It was strange on Steve's end, listening to Tony speak. Through his comm link, he could hear Tony speaking in English, but through the armor suit, a digital voice was speaking in Japanese. Steve could only hope that the translations were accurate.

“God, Tony I said keep it simple,” Steve muttered to himself.

“Never heard of you,” Saitama answered, and Tony made a noise of disbelief.

“What did he say?”

“He said you have a great ass,” Tony said. Steve didn't need a translator to understand Saitama’s immediate reaction to Tony’s strange sense of humor. “Shit, I forgot this thing translates _everything_ I say. Shawarma.”

“Tony, stop talking. Give me the translator.”

“I can't give it to you, it's built into the suit.”

“Fine! Just shut up and translate for us, then. Exactly as we say it - don't try to ‘spice’ things up.”

“Yes, captain buzz kill. Tell me what to say.”

“Ask him if he's the hero Caped Baldy.”

“Kind of obvious, but…” Tony rolled his eyes and turned to Saitama. “We’re looking for the hero Caped Baldy. That’s you, right?”

“Who are you calling baldy, you baldy?!” Saitama protested immediately, his fists raising, even with all of his groceries.

Tony threw his hands up. “Hey, I didn’t pick the name!”

“Neither did I,” Saitama said, his shoulders slumping. “That’s not what I go by. I’m just the hero, Saitama. If you’re looking for a fight, hurry up about it.”

“Um, no. We’re not here for a fight, buddy. We just want to talk to you.”

Saitama groaned. “Make it quick.”

Tony looked at Steve. “He says ‘make it quick’. What’s your sales pitch?”

“We want you to work for us,” Steve said, point blank, and watched Saitama’s eyes widen when Tony translated the words.

“What?!”

“You were ranked in C-Class, which from what I understand is the lowest hero ranking,” Steve explained, allowing time in between his sentences for Tony to echo his words. “But your physical tests were off the charts. Since then, you’ve been spotted completing incredible feats. You jumped up in ranking quickly. The public seems to think you cheated in your fights somehow, but from the footage our experts have seen…” and by ‘experts’ he mostly meant Natasha “...you look like the real deal to us.”

Saitama wasn’t even sure what to say. “Oh. That’s good.”

“He said, ‘That’s good’,” Tony told Steve. “He doesn’t seem that interested.”

“Yeah, I already work for the Hero Association. It’s hectic enough. I’m not interested in joining another,” Saitama said. He frowned while Tony echoed his words again. “Ok. I gotta get home now before my groceries go bad.” He walked by them, but Steve and Tony simply started to walk alongside him.

“What do they pay you?” Tony asked him.

“Enough,” Saitama answered uncomfortably. He got a little more money in B-Class than C-class, but truthfully it wasn’t nearly as much as what he suspected the higher ranks made.

“I’ll pay you more,” Tony promised with a grin, although Saitama couldn’t see it through his mask. “Here, let me help you with these,” he added, reaching for Saitama’s grocery bags.

Saitama started to object, but Tony was so quick, and he ended up letting go of the bags rather than risk tearing them.

“I’m not going to join your hero group,” Saitama huffed, and wished he had something to bang his head against when Tony echoed him again. It was getting really annoying!

“Hey, you don’t have to decide anything yet,” Steve assured him. “Just answer me something, truthfully. A few months ago, there was monster here that called itself the Deep Sea King. It took out several top-ranked heroes. Witnesses said you were able to defeat it with just one punch. Is that true?”

“Yeah.”

Steve stopped in his tracks, but Saitama kept walking, forcing Steve to catch up with him again. “You also told them that you cheated. That it was easy to take the monster out, after all the other heroes had fought it.”

“Yeah, it was easy,” Saitama said, but Steve noticed the way that Saitama didn’t seem pleased with his accomplishment, the way he didn’t bother to jump to defend himself against being called a cheat. He couldn’t understand why this hero was lying… about lying.

“You really beat it on your own, didn’t you? Why did you tell everyone you cheated?” Steve questioned.

“People believe what they want to believe.”

“People believe what they want to believe,” Tony repeated, “and you don’t care what they think about you? Come on. You deserve some acknowledgement, some praise!”

“That’s not why I do it,” Saitama said, but he didn’t sound entirely unaffected.

“Really? Because that’s the only reason why _I_ do it,” Tony laughed. “Okay, not really. But being a hero, and not being _treated_ like a hero, I can’t imagine that. To not have anyone thank you, or even realize just how special you are. Doesn’t that start to burn you out?”

Saitama didn’t say anything, and Tony stopped, rummaging through the shopping bags he was carrying.

“Hey!” Saitama protested, concerned for his produce.

“Look at this. Marked down food,” Tony said, familiar enough from his international trips to recognize some of the labeling, and roughly know the exchange rate between US dollars and yen. “You live in a city that’s been almost completely destroyed, and most of the citizens that are still _alive_ have evacuated from. So I’m guessing the rent must be pretty cheap since nobody else _wants_ to live here. Whatever the Hero Association is paying you, it’s criminal.”

“So I’m not rich, give me my cabbage!” Saitama yelled, finally fed up with the entire conversation.

“Uh, no,” Tony childishly lifted the bag over his head, holding it as far away from Saitama as possible. “Not until you lis-”

“Sensei!” They were interrupted by someone who ran to Saitama’s side almost impossibly fast. Steve was sure that he only caught a blur before suddenly they were confronted by an angry-looking young blonde man with dangerous-looking metal arms and inhuman eyes.

“Are you okay, Sensei?” Genos questioned, glowering at Tony the entire time. “Are they threatening you?”

Saitama couldn’t even anymore. “Metal-Man stole my groceries and it’s honestly really annoy-”

Genos suddenly switched into battle mode, his accelerators firing up full-force and launching himself towards Tony at breakneck speed. Tony didn’t even have time to react before he was struck by half a ton of cyborg, propelling them both several yards away and completely bursting the grocery bag in question, spilling cabbage, carrots, and other items all across the cracked pavement.

Saitama felt his heart break along with the flimsy plastic bag. 

“MY CABBAGES!”

“Do not steal Sensei’s groceries!” Genos shouted, slamming his metal fists in Tony’s armor.

The first few rapid hits were full on, leaving Tony jarred, but then he managed to block, catching Genos’s fist with his own enhanced hand. The move didn’t even phase Genos, who immediately kicked Tony in the head, demonstrating a range of motion that had the engineer more awe-inspired than anything.

Genos’s incinerators began to heat up red-hot and Tony noticed the change in temperature and released the kid, firing up his own thrusters and quickly taking flight just before Genos shot off a wide, intense blast of flame, scorching everything in its path.

“You idiot!” Saitama cried, but Genos didn’t hear him - he was already taking off after Tony, the two of them shooting through the sky, then spinning midair as they crossed paths and grappled for a moment before breaking apart and resuming a chase.

“Tony, stop fighting with him!”

“I’m not fighting, I’m trying to defend myself!”

“Get back here right now,” Steve ordered.

It seemed like Tony didn’t have much of a choice, because Genos was hot on his tail. Turning back gave Genos enough time to catch up with him, and they landed on the ground only split seconds apart, their aftershocks shattering what little glass was left in the windows of a nearby building. The two of them stood there, holding each other’s fists and pushing against each other, like school children having a fight. 

Steve started to go get in between them, but Saitama beat him to it - if Steve wasn’t mistaken, he was as inhumanly fast as Genos was. The hero grabbed them both by a wrist, easily breaking the grip they had on each other and pulling them apart.

“Who the heck is this?” Tony exclaimed.

“It’s Demon Cyborg,” Steve said, exasperated. He came to Tony’s side and pulled the man further away. Saitama let go of Tony, but kept his grip on Genos, so the two could keep their unruly friends separated. “I thought you looked at the file.”

“I skimmed! I don’t have time to read everything!”

“You could literally be looking at the file right now,” Steve grumbled.

“Excuse me, there are thousands of these weirdos running around! You can’t expect me to have them all memorized.”

“He’s literally the only other hero who lives in this city! And he’s ranked S-Class!”

“I don’t even know what that means!”

“It means I will incinerate you!” Genos growled.

“You already incinerated my vegetables,” Saitama told him, angry.

“I am sorry, Sensei,” Genos blurted out, looking genuinely ashamed of himself. “But I did not want to hold back against Metal Knight. He is a top ranked S-Class, and not to be underestimated.”

“Who, me?” Tony gaped.

“He isn’t Metal Knight, he’s an American hero,” Saitama explained.

“Of course,” Genos said. “I should have surmised this from his companion, so garishly dressed in their country’s flag.”

“Some people have no taste in fashion,” Saitama remarked, while Genos quietly stared at him.

“What is going on?” Steve asked, lost in the lack of translation.

“Astroboy here mistook me for some other S-Class hero,” Tony said. “And Caped Baldy left an actual handprint in my armor. Holy cow. I take it not a lot of you heroes get along over here. Does nobody ever do team-ups? I’m gonna tell the Hero Association you guys need to invest in some team workshops. You could all benefit from conflict resolution skills and trust building exercises.”

“Nobody asked you to come ‘team up’ here,” Saitama said. He pointed at his ruined groceries - there was a broken bottle of soy sauce, and a cabbage that was half charred. “I used my coupons on these groceries! Who is going to replace them?”

“Listen, if you work for the Avengers you’ll have more than enough money for groceries. Anything you could want,” Steve assured him.

“If you join the Avengers, you’ll get your groceries for free,” Tony said to Saitama instead.

Genos looked concerned. “Sensei, why are they offering to pay for your groceries?”

“They want me to join their hero group,” Saitama folded his arms across his chest. “Fine. Let’s talk. What happens if I join your group? What is the arrangement here? Spit it out.”

“The Avengers were brought together to protect the world against anything that threatens mankind,” Steve said, and Tony started translating him again. “You’ll be on call, when you’re needed to fight. There are often smaller assignments you can choose to participate in. You can do whatever else you want with your free time, as long as you respond when you’re needed.”

“Sensei, this Avengers group is based in New York,” Genos told him.

“New York?” Saitama rubbed his head. “Apartments there are expensive. Even if you give me free groceries, I probably won’t have enough money to pay rent and utilities, not to mention I’d have to buy new furniture and other things…”

“You can live in the Avengers Tower, if you choose,” Steve told him. “That would mean your rent is covered, and amenities. There’s even a spa and gym. Your room would be furnished. Even if you don’t want to live there, you’ll receive a monthly stipend that will more than cover all of your needs. And if you’re really as strong as our expert thinks… Tony will pay you a one-time bonus of one million dollars.”

Tony opened his mask and raised his eyebrows at Steve. “Tony will do what now?”

“Tony, please, you’re a billionaire, that’s nothing,” Steve said.

“It’s not your money to _give_ , but okay hot pants,” Tony said. He addressed Saitama again. “I, Tony Stark, will give you a sign-on bonus of one million dollars. _If_ you’re actually as strong as you’re supposed to be.”

“Sensei is stronger than you’ll ever know,” Genos asserted.

“Great. So… I’ll have my assistant draw up some formal arrangements, tell the Hero Association you’re done, and we can have you moved in as soon as possible,” Tony said.

“Sensei,” Genos was quieter than usual. “Are you really going to leave?”

“That’s… a lot of money,” Saitama said slowly. “I’d be set for life, and only have to punch something once in awhile. I already do that for free.”

“I understand,” Genos said. “This is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for, to finally get the recognition you deserve for your incredible power. You’ll have millions of fans.”

Saitama looked at Genos strangely, as if he’d said something wrong. “I think I only need the one.”

“I don’t think I’m going with you, Saitama-sensei,” Genos said. 

“Of course you are. Genos can come, right? He’s a top-ranked hero. You’ll want him on your team too. He’s incredible.”

Steam shot out from the cyborg’s shoulders, and Tony was surprised that Saitama’s skin wasn’t burned from it. He didn’t even flinch. “Uh. Yeah, he’s definitely incredible. I’ve never seen tech like his and I’d love to take a closer look. We could probably arrange for him to come too.”

“Thank you,” Genos said quietly. “But I have to stay here. I need to find the Mad Cyborg and take my revenge. I will remember everything you’ve taught me, Sensei.”

Saitama looked devastated. “But… Dude, what am I supposed to do without you?”

“After I defeat him, I will find you again, Sensei,” Genos promised. “...Ah. Except… you’ll have no reason to teach me any longer. But I know you’ll be pleased to have your life go back to normal, before I insisted on becoming your disciple.”

There was a long silence. Saitama stared at Genos. Genos stared at Saitama. Steve stared at Tony, waiting for him to translate what the hell was going on.

Finally, Saitama broke the silence. “I’m not going.”

“What?” Genos sounded alarmed. “Why? This is what you always wanted.”

“No way,” Saitama picked up what was left of his groceries, and started ranting. “It sounds way too demanding! They want me to be on call 24/7? There’s a disaster all the time! What if my favorite show is on? What if I’m having a bath? They expect me to run off to fight something while the water is still running? And I don’t even know who these guys are. Couple of weirdos if you ask me! How do I know I’d actually get paid? I’d probably get robbed. Besides, New York has way too many people. I like how quiet it is here. I’d never be able to sleep in such a busy city! And especially with so many adoring fans! Americans are crazy! Not to mention, these guys ask me by stealing my groceries and starting a fight? No way. America doesn’t even get monsters but once in an age. I’d be bored to tears, and meanwhile Cities A through Z would be destroyed without me around. No way, I’m staying right here. Thanks but no thanks.”

“I didn’t think of all of that, Sensei! You’re right, we shouldn’t trust them,” Genos agreed, accepting one of the bags when Saitama handed it to him. “Especially such a poorly made cyborg.”

“I’m not a cyborg, what the hell,” Tony said, but Genos was ignoring him.

“Let’s go home, we’ve wasted a lot of time and the food is getting warm,” Saitama said.

“Yes, Sensei!” They walked off together at a brisk pace, Genos glaring at them for a while until Saitama put his hand on his shoulder.

“Well. He’s not joining,” Tony said.

“Why? What the hell happened?” Steve questioned. “Why didn’t you do anything?”

“There was nothing to do, he isn’t coming,” Tony said.

Steve was in disbelief. “How can you be so sure? It sounded like he wanted to come a second ago.”

“Yeah, but that cyborg guy couldn’t come,” Tony said. “And he didn’t want to leave his boyfriend behind. So he’s staying.”

“His… I didn’t know they were a couple. Nothing in the file said that they were dating.”

“I don’t think they know they’re a couple yet either.”


End file.
